


Deliverance

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 04:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5320919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forgiveness, salvation and a better world - three things that Severus wanted and found in the most unexpected of places, only to be forced to revaluate his goals in order to keep them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deliverance

Fifteen. You are fifteen. The same age I was when the final event that would eventually bring _us_ here happened. Ironically, you too are doing something foolish and that will mark you forever, of that I am certain—and I am not being smug.

"Say it!" you demand and I open my mouth to whisper a so forbidden word for my lips. "Say it!" you repeat.

" _Harry._ "

"Yes…" you hiss and bite your lower lip."Not Potter. Harry. I want you to remember my name so you will never mistake who is doing this." You buck your hips on mine, making both of us moan at the contact. "Finally…" you mutter, but the word is almost lost as you lean to kiss me again.

Finally what?

"Finally I have you where I want." you briefly break the contact and say.

The words are stuck in my brain, and I wonder if they are true, and if they are, for how long this is going on. I also wonder where you learnt to do this we are doing…

As if knowing about my doubts, you start to unbutton my shirt with small hands—much smaller than mine, at least—and explain.

"I think it started in my first Potions class. Your speech," you say "it was the most impressive thing I had heard until then. Of course, it wasn't anything sexual then—I'm not a perverted," you add, but your expression is so mischievous that I cannot help but muse if reality is not exactly the opposite. "But then seconds later you shattered that first impression… However, I never quite could get rid of not hating you…"

Then your hands are touching me, the bare skin of my chest. Your touch is warm and dedicated, and it is heavenly. "When I found out that girls aren't exactly my cup of tea… I always wanted to have you at my mercy, to make you surrender to me, Harry Potter, whom you so despise. To be the one to leave you breathless, no matter how." you shrug and look directly at my eyes. "And then I started to wonder how it would feel to have you touching me, and saying not hurtful things."

"There's something bothering you." you say as a matter of fact. How can you know me so well?

"It does not matter," I lie.

It matters the most for me, and for you too I believe.

"Is this because of Malfoy?" you ask and I internally cringe. "I know he is up to something..."

If you only knew...

"You must not worry about me." I say evenly.

"Of course I must." you protest and then proceed to finally ruin me "I love you."

"How interesting… Dumbledore is a complete fool—as I've always known—and if he thinks that I will fall for this trap, he is very wrong."

The Dark Lord smiles like a shark and pets Nagini, hissing something in Parseltongue that I don't understand.

"And have no doubts, Severus, that you will be rewarded for bringing this to my attention."

I know.

"You can ask anything."

"I want Harry Potter."

The Dark Lord chuckles darkly and focuses his eyes on me. "I see. You shall have him, Severus, when I am sure that he is inoffensive I will need someone to take care of him, someone who knows why he needs to stay alive... You do know how to hold a grudge, Severus. It is delightful; James Potter must be rolling on his grave."

I nod, letting him believe that I want you to take some sort of revenge. It is probably the best way to keep you safe, alive, especially when you are going to live a long life as the Dark Lord will most likely want. Of course he will let me take care of you... He wouldn't want the other Death Eaters knowing about Horcruxes, right? And without knowing how you are precious to the Dark Lord one of them might... Kill you, accidentally of course.

"Just remember, Severus, that if you kill him you will wish you were never born."

While your heart beats I can still hope, I can still dream... There will be someone for me, and I will know what is to be loved. And to love someone in return. And while your heart beats the Dark Lord shall not be defeated.

How ludicrous.

I look at you sleeping beside me and ask myself what I did to deserve this. _You_. How can it be that doing something so wrong I found salvation from everything and everyone including myself? And how torturous it is that in order to keep it, to wake up feeling your warm body over, beside or under mine day after day, I need to undo part of my own efforts toward forgiveness, salvation and a better world. The memory of your mother is but a shadow now... And perhaps that's why I can let these things change. Something inside my heart has changed so deeply that I find myself glad that she died so you could live.

Forgiveness I already have—yours—and honestly, this is all forgiveness I want to have now. I cannot, neither need nor want any more, have your mother's. She would not forgive me—she did not, and for a way less grave fault—I know this, but you did—you do, actually—and it is all that I content for having.

Salvation... Salvation is a rather vague term, don't you agree? I would be lost in a world without you, so in doing this I am actually securing my salvation.

As for the better world... I am a well known heartless—not so heartless, you would say now—bastard, I have lost the ability of caring about a better world long ago. Besides, your absence would not make the world any better. Not for me, and I am a selfish man.

" _Avada Kedavra!_ "

Albus falls from the tower lifelessly, and you stare at me with tearful eyes. I can see fear, I can see pain and even a bit of love—a love that you don't quite want to fell right now, I reckon—but it is the betrayal that breaks me. You were not supposed to be here, you were not supposed to see this.

The Headmaster is dead, killed by my hand just as he wanted... I am glad that he will not be here to witness my final betrayal. I may be selfish, I may have handed the world in a silver platter to a monster; but I am grateful to Albus, will always be and I would be ashamed if he could see what I am about to do.

"Potter's here!" I bark and cast a spell to prevent you from moving—the bewilderment and hurt in you are sufficient to stop you from dodging it.

I am so very sorry that it has to be this way.

I take upon myself the task of levitating you out of the castle... Keeping you as far away as possible from Bellatrix. I gaze briefly at Draco and see that he is shocked, truly frozen. Idly, I wonder why is that. He looks like someone just killed his whole family—exactly what he was trying to avoid.

I do not look at your face any more, not really wishing to see your condemning eyes and fearing that the love might be gone from them. Forever. Could you stop loving me this quickly? I could have let you go, of course, let you have another year of fight... But I would be worried sick about you and I don't want you to waste your time... Besides, by bringing you I once again will please the Dark Lord... I will make sure that you will be beside me. Always.

Or until the day death comes to me and I will find a way to bring you with me, I promise.


End file.
